Lost
This may not make much sense. I lost the baby. Such a stupid phrase because I did not "lose" the baby. I know exactly where it should be inside of me growing. Tuesday in the bathroom at the zoo looking down thinking something wasn't quite right but it was probably just the light. Tuesday night at my parents knowing for sure something wasn't quite right, but talking to my doctor who did not seem distressed. Wednesday... things are back to normal. Everything is probably fine, but I decide to head to the doctor anyway just to be sure for a sonogram. Alone. One look at the doctor's face and I knew and the tears start flowing and don't stop. My doctor looks for 25 minutes for a heartbeat he knows is not there for my peace of mind. How can this still happen in my second trimester? Well, the answer is it hardly ever does. Less than 1% of the time.
Someone told me that one day this will comfort me, but right now this is causing me the most sadness. Three weeks ago I saw a healthy heartbeat and a healthy baby with a beautiful profile and 2 little arms and 2 little legs. It was a perfect picture of a perfect baby. So after seeing what appeared to be a healthy baby how could this happen? I do have an answer, it's just not an easy one to stomach. Chromosomal abnormality. The cause of most miscarriages. But most of the time the baby does not develop at all and no heartbeat or body development occurs. So, my baby and I are rarities.
I had a D and C. I had to because of the size of the placenta, baby and rest of the stuff that develops during a pregnancy. When I was a senior in High School, during my government class about current events I had to watch a video of an abortion. That video is etched in stone in my mind. One of the ways they showed on the video was the D and C method. So I have a very vivid image of exactly what happened to me and my baby yesterday morning. And my paperwork from the hospital says, Diagnosis: Missed Abortion. Treatment: Dilation and Curretage. I know I didn't have an abortion. Not even close. But that word is a disgusting word to me and to have had anything in my life associated with that makes me nauseous.
Today, a few days later, I am the one who feels lost. Will I be angry? Will I be sad? Will I tear up every time someone tells me they are pregnant? Will I be able to be around newborns? Will I ever want to try to have another child? Will I ever stop feeling empty inside? Will I ever forget the healthy baby I saw on the sonograms? Will I be able to survive December 3rd? Can I ever really get over this? I don't know the answers. The only thing I know is that I do have a third child. I had a beautiful child that did not live who had a precious heartbeat and a beautiful little profile and tiny fingers and arms and legs. A child that Scott and I wanted as much as we wanted our other two babies. A tiny baby that we love.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139: 13
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
Someone told me that one day this will comfort me, but right now this is causing me the most sadness. Three weeks ago I saw a healthy heartbeat and a healthy baby with a beautiful profile and 2 little arms and 2 little legs. It was a perfect picture of a perfect baby. So after seeing what appeared to be a healthy baby how could this happen? I do have an answer, it's just not an easy one to stomach. Chromosomal abnormality. The cause of most miscarriages. But most of the time the baby does not develop at all and no heartbeat or body development occurs. So, my baby and I are rarities.
I had a D and C. I had to because of the size of the placenta, baby and rest of the stuff that develops during a pregnancy. When I was a senior in High School, during my government class about current events I had to watch a video of an abortion. That video is etched in stone in my mind. One of the ways they showed on the video was the D and C method. So I have a very vivid image of exactly what happened to me and my baby yesterday morning. And my paperwork from the hospital says, Diagnosis: Missed Abortion. Treatment: Dilation and Curretage. I know I didn't have an abortion. Not even close. But that word is a disgusting word to me and to have had anything in my life associated with that makes me nauseous.
Today, a few days later, I am the one who feels lost. Will I be angry? Will I be sad? Will I tear up every time someone tells me they are pregnant? Will I be able to be around newborns? Will I ever want to try to have another child? Will I ever stop feeling empty inside? Will I ever forget the healthy baby I saw on the sonograms? Will I be able to survive December 3rd? Can I ever really get over this? I don't know the answers. The only thing I know is that I do have a third child. I had a beautiful child that did not live who had a precious heartbeat and a beautiful little profile and tiny fingers and arms and legs. A child that Scott and I wanted as much as we wanted our other two babies. A tiny baby that we love.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139: 13
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14
posted by Unknown at
7:54 PM
9 Comments:
I wish I had words but I don't. You already know and have quoted the only words that can mean anything of value to you right now. Any other words are simply empty. I wish I could say from experience that your feelings do go away but I would be lying. My heart aches with you. I love you, friend.
Kelli, you do have a beautiful third child who now lives in Heaven and will know no pain and sadness and whose days will be spent in the presence of our Creator. When a close friend of mine's mother died of cancer five years ago, she said, "I believe my Mom is in the part of Heaven where all the babies are and she is rocking them and singing to them." Although we don't know how Heaven will be, I find this thought comforting especially in times like these when friends lose precious children.
Like Jenny, I wish I could say that you will be fine and life will go on it's merry way. But that would a statement filled with false promise. However, I can confidently say that your friends and family are here for you and love your family terribly and in some sense feel your loss.
The professional side of me sees that you have taken your first step towards "healing" by acknowledging these feelings, confusion, and hurt and putting such thoughts into words.
Hang on sweet friend. We love you.
So sorry for you loss. Praying for you and your's.
I am so sorry that you are so sad. I am brokenhearted for you. I wish there was something I could say or do to take your pain away. All I can do is tell you I love you.
Praying for you..........
My words...I love you. God loves you!
Kelli,
I, too, am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you right now. I can't imagine the mixed feelings you must be having all at the same time. We are praying for you, Scott, and your sweet boys.
Gary and I were so sorry to hear about your loss. Your blog brought tears to my eyes. We love you guys, and don't know what to say other than that we are praying for your and your precious family.
Hey, I am still thinking about you and praying for you.
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